The day drags on and the dark seas are endless as I scrape through each passing moment a little weaker than the one before. It as if this vast ocean is pulling my life away, string by string, until nothing but a broken puppet remains.
I hold onto shadows, for that is all I have right now. Hope burns like fire but feels false in the obfuscated light of my demons presence. I scream but no words come out. I cry but nobody sees my cracked mask. They do not see, because it’s locked inside this false front I call me.
If they only knew the chaos within my head; the trouble’s of my soul. If they saw they would crumble beneath its weight like so many in the past have done. Those I let in, run away shaking their heads, knowing, without a shadow of doubt that I have truly lost myself to the chaos inside.
I am lost unto myself. A sliver of who I want to be. A shadow of what I was. Ghosts of memory haunting my every step as I walk through my day as if in a haze.
White walls turn orange.
Physically I am drained. I go through the motions of the day but I do not feel that I am really here. It is as if something else controls my actions while my mind spins … stuck on the same song. I know of no other recourse but to wait for the rain to stop falling.
I need to escape.
I need arms around me and whispers in my ear telling me that I will be ok. I need eyes upon me, watching me in my sleep. I need to shake this feeling that I am alone, else it shall consume me whole.
I fell I have nothing left of myself save these shadows which have animated me.
This is not the way I want to live my life.
