Awoken from the Immortal Dream

There was a time when I could still feel my heartbeat, and during those moments I knew what it meant to be alive.  Now, alone in my third decade of life I realize that what I felt was the immortal condition common to all youth.  What I thought was life was in fact a delusion brought on by a lack of knowledge.  Knowledge of what it was really like to exist outside of a realm of my own creation. 

There was a time when I was free; free to be what I wanted to be whenever I closed my eyes.  I would walk strange lands and do amazing things, but alas, like all things this to has come to an end.  For now, all I see is the cold nature of our bleak existence upon this planet and I loath the coming of the sun.  This too was a condition of my youth, and like all things, it was beaten out of me with time.

Even the most majestic of all statues weathers and fades in time.

I use to have this understanding, I would find the things I held dear.  I believed that all things would come to me if I wanted it enough, and in such, I was lost in dream.  Today, I awoke to the cold reality that awaited me.  I found that I was alone in this world, and that no amount of false hope would change that.

I dread the coming year, but more so, I fear what lies behind it.  I am neither martyr nor king.  I am but only ash, just waiting to blow away in the next strong breeze.  To this, I owe nothing except my mortality and the realization that love is but a pipedream to me.

Who could love this twisted monster when he can’t find it in himself to find even the slightest spark of reason to love himself?

Even these words are meaningless, even though broadcast to the world for all to read.

Today I awoke, to find myself asleep at the wheel.

Animation

The day drags on and the dark seas are endless as I scrape through each passing moment a little weaker than the one before.  It as if this vast ocean is pulling my life away, string by string, until nothing but a broken puppet remains. 

I hold onto shadows, for that is all I have right now.  Hope burns like fire but feels false in the obfuscated light of my demons presence.  I scream but no words come out.  I cry but nobody sees my cracked mask.  They do not see, because it’s locked inside this false front I call me. 

If they only knew the chaos within my head; the trouble’s of my soul.  If they saw they would crumble beneath its weight like so many in the past have done.  Those I let in, run away shaking their heads, knowing, without a shadow of doubt that I have truly lost myself to the chaos inside.

I am lost unto myself.  A sliver of who I want to be.  A shadow of what I was.  Ghosts of memory haunting my every step as I walk through my day as if in a haze. 

White walls turn orange.

Physically I am drained.  I go through the motions of the day but I do not feel that I am really here.  It is as if something else controls my actions while my mind spins … stuck on the same song.  I know of no other recourse but to wait for the rain to stop falling.

I need to escape.

I need arms around me and whispers in my ear telling me that I will be ok.  I need eyes upon me, watching me in my sleep.  I need to shake this feeling that I am alone, else it shall consume me whole.

I fell I have nothing left of myself save these shadows which have animated me.

This is not the way I want to live my life.

A Pledge to Self

The scars are etched deep into my psyche.  Those moments from the past that changed me into who I am today; lost in a world of my own creation.  I fight against the flowing tide, cast out the demons within yet feeling as if I am making no progress at all.

I scream.

The echo’s of the sad sound fall heedless around me.  Does anybody hear my plight?

Temptation’s carrot dangled before me yet I can not touch; though salvations in sight.  I have something, a growing warmth inside my chest which screams out a new name.  A name that brings thoughts of a better future; thoughts of tomorrow’s bright light upon my skin.

She makes me not want to hide anymore.  She calls me to the light and makes me face my demons.  She wraps her arms around me and for a moment, their cries cease to pierce my fragile ego. 

Can this be me?

I look into the mirror and I see the weak being that is left after all these years of rot.  My skin pale, my eyes dull.  I look at that reflection and I cringe knowing that what I see is not the real me, but a glimpse at what the world sees … my scars hidden from their view.  I gaze upon that mirror and I hate the weak creature that gazes right back.

She is a dream.  My queen from long ago, but just because I say such things does not make it so.  I wish to hold her in my arms from now until eternity, but such things are not yet written, and the path is painfully long.  There are doubts, though she does not voice them.  Somehow I just know they are there, lingering below the surface yet unspoken.  There are doubts, that I will be strong enough, fast enough, young enough.  There are doubts that I will not be fun enough, laugh enough, feel enough. 

There are doubts that I can be whole again.

However, although I have doubts, I have a reason to fight, for her eyes fill me with so much hope and encouragement.  I have told her my flaws and still she looks at me.  I have told her the cause of my deepest scars and still she wraps her arms around me. 

How could I not try to overcome the sum of my parts?  How could I not try to be the man she remembers from so long ago; a lifetime and more.  How could I not try to beat back the demons that have held me in the shadows for so many years.  How could I not try…

How could I not try?

I will try, but I fear I will fail.  I will try, but I fear I will fall.  I will try, but I fear I’m not good enough.  I will try…

I will try.

I will try to be the man that I want to.  I will try to beat the demons aside.  I will try to be as strong as I can be.  I will try to be the man that she needs.

How could I let this opportunity pass me?  How could I let my fears set aside a future so bright, though my past will not let me.  I’ll conquer those fears by the look in her eyes.

By the look in her eyes; by the strength of my soul, I will conquer these demons.

I will walk again in the light and cherish the beauty of the day without suffering. 

This I swear.

For you, I will.  For me, I will.  For us, I will.